“The McNeil Family Garden”
The Mcneil Family Garden is a small garden that is tucked behind both Stokes North and South buildings. There isn’t anything outstanding about the garden, nothing that would drop my jaw if I were passing it for the first time. At its core, the McNeil Family Garden is a simple cut-through from College Road to the middle of campus. It doesn’t seem as though it is special or important. However, if you were to ask me I would tell you that the McNeil Family Garden is one of the most special places on the Boston College campus. I would tell you that it’s right up there with Gasson Hall and Alumni Stadium. The “garden” is a place that allows me to escape the chaotic life of a college student with all the lectures, assignments, and midterms. It’s a place where I can simply be alone and be in the presence of the moment. There is nothing to do in the garden except sit there observing and taking in all that I would most likely miss on any typical day.
It’s a cloudy day today in the McNeil Family garden. Not a lot of people are walking around on campus, especially through the garden. It’s quiet here. The only thing that fills my ears is the rumble of the Commonwealth Ave. A bus passing by every 15 minutes or so. I listen to see if I can hear other students walking past talking with one another. However, the walls of the Stokes building keep the garden quiet and empty. I sit on the bench and notice how symmetrical everything is. There are two benches on both sides of the garden and one lamppost on each side directly across from one another. Four trees on each side of the sidewalk pass through the middle of the garden. Although each tree is unique in the way the branches protrude out from the trunk, all the trees are planted at the same distance from each other. The sidewalk seems to interrupt the grass like a new highway through a forest. The sidewalk has pieces of gum spread all over it that have been stepped on and pushed into the ground over and over again. I look up to the sky and see the sun hiding behind the clouds as if it doesn’t want to be seen. Almost like it wants to be left alone.
I never have been one to want to be left alone. It’s something that I have always struggled with. It always made me feel on edge. When I realized that I was by myself in a certain place or situation I would start to spiral and overthink. I would quickly lose sight of any rational thinking and move to the worst-case scenario. In my freshman year of high school, I found myself alone at a football game. I lost my friends in the sea of students cheering and shouting all around me. I felt extremely uncomfortable being all by myself with nobody by my side. I felt as though I was doing something wrong because I wasn’t with anyone or in a group of people. I felt left out and out of place. I ended up leaving the game early, squeezing my way through the stands to the exit, making sure to keep my head down to try and prevent embarrassment. I sat on the sidewalk outside the football field for about 45 minutes waiting for my dad, pretending to scroll through my phone so I wouldn’t seem like a loser for being all by myself.
While sitting on the hard wooden bench I try to let my mind wander. I take a deep breath and let the fresh air calm me down. I’m on edge trying to observe everything around me, my eyes darting from one corner of the garden to the other. I feel anxious and awkward because I am sitting all by myself. I can’t hear the chatter of students passing by or conversations of classmates in the distance. I feel truly alone at this moment. I see some bushes move on the other side of the sidewalk. I turn my attention to find a squirrel holding an acorn. We lock eyes for a moment and then it rushes off back into the bushes. This small interaction with a harmless squirrel somewhat makes me feel calmer. The squirrel makes me realize that it doesn’t matter that I am by myself. I don’t have to worry about being alone and I can focus my attention on something else. At that moment, I let my mind race. I set it free to think whatever it desires, like letting a puppy a leash off in an open field. I take out my journal and I start writing down some thoughts. After a while, I move over to how I am feeling and why I am feeling that way. I can reflect on myself without interruption.
When I was in the eighth grade I started writing in a journal. I would write in it during my free time in study halls when all my work was complete. I brought it with me everywhere and I would often write in it when I felt alone. Sometimes I would write while I was with a group of friends at the lunch table because even though I wasn’t by myself physically, I felt alone and out of place. I used journaling as a means to prevent myself from realizing that I was alone. I was able to hide in my journal because it was something to do and I wasn’t looking awkward because I was by myself.
After journaling in the garden for a little while I feel much more at ease with myself and my surroundings. I close the journal and shove it back in my bag. Instead of trying to avoid being alone, I try to embrace it. I sit there on the bench and allow myself to be in the moment. I stop thinking about everything. I look around and notice the faint shadows on the sidewalk from the leaves. I feel the smoothed over armrests of the benches. These armrests must have been rough at one point but after time they have become smooth and nice to the touch. In the beginning, they probably gave out splitters to those who rubbed their hands on it, but now they are just there to brace the arms of those who sit. I have been worn down in the garden just as the arms rests have. When I first sat down I was on edge about being alone. I was nervous and uncomfortable to be sitting there. After a little while, I settled in and became calmer. And after more time I was at peace with myself. The idea of being alone was rough in the beginning but over time it became more fluid and I began to accept the reality of being in solitude.
One of my biggest fears when coming to college was being alone all the time. I thought that I would be walking to class by myself and even worse eating by myself in the dining hall. I didn’t want to be that awkward kid with nobody to talk to at breakfast or in between classes. I didn’t think that it was okay to be by myself. I thought I always had to be in a group or walking around campus with someone else by my side. In the McNeil Family Garden, I realized that it is alright to spend time in solitude. It is okay to be alone at some points during the day. I experienced being alone with myself in the McNeil Family Garden and I learned to be at peace with my thoughts. This experience has allowed me to be alone more often. I am not worried as much about being alone and although it still is uncomfortable and anxious at some points, I am not overwhelmed with the solitude. College is about many firsts like advocating for myself, gaining more independence as an individual, and being at peace in solitude.
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